from forever and a half ago

i got back from a l'abri conference in Rochester, Minnesota Sunday and since then I've been processing the 10 lectures i heard in 2 days.  oh wait, only 9 bc i finally wised up and skipped the one on classical music that i never understand.  side note: i once played 12 softball games in 3 days and now that i think about it l'abri always kicks my butt way more than that weekend did.  however, my tolerance is building.  its about time after 4 years.

so back to the point - something I've been mulling over in my head for the last year or so is idea of marriage or rather, what is the point of marriage and can i really see myself not being so scared of it that i would actually walk down the aisle and take vows with  a man to spend the rest of my life with him.  so obviously, this isn't coming for nowhere - there are some pretty obvious correlations between the hurt in my life and the fears i have of saying i do.  

but i also know that i am very much influenced by the post modern culture i live in and that questioning marriage is just about as cool as going green and voting for change.  i was talking to marta and sharon about this one night as i was processing through the pro/con list i was making for marriage and i mentioned that someone should right a book about how my generation has been burned by crappy marriages/relationships and so are now choosing to not get married and all the reasons that go into this phenomena.  well, of course marta has that book on her bookshelf so i borrow it.  of course its a pretty cheesy christian book she had to get for seminary but it basically answered the very question i was asking.  

so fast forward a few weeks to now.  i've been to labri, i've skimmed marta's book, i've made my pro/con list, read what the bible has to say on the marriage issue, and read some dan allender.  here's what i've come up with:

1. marriage is not about making me happy.  marriage is about god getting glory and about me being sanctified, which according to mr. piper, "god is most glorified in us when we are most satisfied in him"  my heart will be the most satisfied when i am chasing after Him and not other things that hinder my race.  however, b/c people suck at loving (me especially) there will be incredible amounts of pain in a marriage relationship, however do i follow god b/c its easy and painless or b/c i see that christ is my greatest need?   
2. in all of my HDFS classes we talked about the triangle of "something" in relationships.  basically its the 3 parts of any relationship - passion, companionship, and commitment.  sometimes relationships are lacking or missing altogether one of its legs and thus reduces enjoyment but does not necessarily lead to breakups.  however, god desires us to have all 3 in our marriages.  i however, have serious issues with seeing marriage as a relationship that is just bound to end up standing on commitment alone and therefore i don't ever want to enter into something that could end in that crap hole of existence.
3. i look around the marriages in my life and i see 2 things.  #1 the couple that are still together are dysfunctional and unaware of this and therefore unattractive or #2 dysfunctional and aware that they are so but no doing so well in the redemption of the relationship aspect of it all.  this is also unattractive.
4. my biggest fear about marriage, if I'm really really really honest, is that I'll blow it and "be found out."  if you know me, then you know i don't like to be wrong, ever.  if you know me, you know I'm slowly slowly slowly growing in this.  if you know me, you've probably been a casualty of my self-protecting ways.  if i know the lord, then i know one thing - that its not about whether or not if i blow it.  its about the fact that i am going to blow it, and going to screw up relationships in a major way.  this is so not the point.  the point is what i do after i blow it.  do i repent, ask for forgiveness from my abundantly graceful father and those whom i have sinned against?  or do i run away in shame b/c i don't want to experience the chance of restoration in my relationships.  that after all, would involve some serious risking.  oh to actually experience restoration and fight for relationships!  oh to "get" grace.  oh to run into my father' arms and experience his mercy.  

the longer i sit in this the more i see my sin.  and the more i see my sin the more i have to become the prodigal son.  and more i become the prodigal son the more i have to run back to my father.  and the more i have to run back to my father the more i see my need.  i guess that's the point after all, right??