solid food is for grownups

i think i'm finally starting to feel like a grown up. i'm starting to see the abundance of gray in my choices, realizing that those choices often lead to no-win situations, and that i actually have to be responsible. i can't just do what i want anymore, b/c apparently my actions have real consequences that affect other people. ugh.....independence is not all its cracked up to be.

case in point: my little brother leaves for boot camp in two days. i am a bag a mixed emotions, to say the least.

of course i am so proud of him. he's willing to sacrifice that which i would never dare to even consider. he sees a need and is willing to die so that i can go on living my safe and secure life. he wants to be apart of something bigger than himself, to serve. he's doing something only 1% of all people will ever do - serve their country. he's about to go through 14 weeks of pure HELL in the middle of georgia in the middle of the summer. ewwwwww.

i'm also incredibly scared. i don't want him to get shipped off to iraq. i dont want him to die. i dont want him to come home with ptsd and loose the man that i know to be so caring and genuine and tender. we've been through some of the most difficult times of our lives together, and we survived together. we leaned on each other. we understood each other when no one else could. and i don't want to loose the part of him that can go to those deep and hard places with me. i dont want to loose the only other person who gets that part of me.

i am excited. this is something he's wanted to do since he was in elementary school. he's always had this desire to serve his country in him. he's doing something he finds great value and honor in. he's living a dream. he's living out some of the most glorious parts of what make him an image bearer. and how can i not be excited that he's imaging the lord, that he's fighting for the least of these, that he's willing to die so that others might live?

i'm burdened. i want to trust the lord. i want to believe that even if he comes home screwed up or doesn't come home at all, that whether the lord gives or takes away, that i will still praise Him. i want to believe that god is good no matter what the circumstance, no matter how much it hurts, no matter what the cost. oh but how little faith i have. last night i wanted to bargain with jesus, i realized that was stupid so i went on to tell god how absolutely pissed i'd be if this didn't turn out the way i wanted. i told him i wasn't sure i'd survive if he didn't come home. oh man, i let god have it . and i cried b/c that seemed like the only reasonable response to all the ambivalence i was feeling inside.

and so i turned to good 'ole cs lewis. this is from a grief observed:

"The more we believe that God hurts only to heal, the less we can believe that there is any use in begging for tenderness. A cruel man night be bribed-might grow tired of this vile sport-might have a temporary fit of mercy, as alcoholics have fits of sobriety. But suppose that what you are up against is a surgeon whose intentions are wholly good. The kinds and more conscientious he is, the more inexorably he will go on cutting. If he yielded to your entreaties, if he stopped before the operation was complete, all the pain up to that point would have been useless. But is it credible that such extremities of torture should be necessary for us? Well, take your choice. The tortures occur. If they are unnecessary, then there is no God or a bad one. If there is a good God, then these tortures are necessary. For no even moderately good Being could possibly inflict or permit them if they weren't? Either way, we're for it. What do people man when they say, "I am not afraid of God because I know He is good"? Have they never even been to a dentist?"

and just so you know, im still excited/proud/scared out of my mind/burdened for my brother. and i probably will be until the day when he gets discharged and is home for good. (and even then, there are not guarantees. who is to say he couldn't die in a car crash etc right here at home?) but it does remind me of this: to go to god. even when i dont want to b/c im too mad or too scared or too sad. even when my heart believes that He is not good. even when i don't believe He will enact real change. even when my soul is crushed. go to Him. go to the one who is the I AM. the one who promises to deliver his people. the one who promises to wipe away every tear. the one who is coming back.

and this is why being an adult is so difficult. b/c i actually have to go to god. i know the right answers now, i have no excuse. i can't just wallow in my self pity. i have to actually eat solid food - i actually have to take the next step, i actually have to trust Him more. and while that all sounds great and dandy, and really is something i want, man oh man, is it difficult. it'd be so much easier if god just left me stagnant b/c this whole transforming grace thing is painful.

so in the end, i'm just glad this whole thing isn't up to me. he puts the desire to follow Him more and more into my heart in the first place. He really will be the one who causes me to turn from the baby food mush i've been so satisfied with and turn me towards real grown-up food.