im obviously procrastinating

dear book and subsequent book review,

please read and write yourself. i just can't go 1/2 of a page without being bored/distracted. i've read every blog i follow atleast 4 times, i am completely caught up on the news in both the states and europe/asia, and my desktop is cleaned and organized. the only thing i have left to resort to is cleaning and well, i just cant find the motivation to do that either.

i will be such a happy girl when i'm finished with you,

allie

dear fall,

you're finally here! like legitly. like not for fake. like i wore wool socks today and my fall jacket today. like we made a fire last night and it was most necessary to stay warm and cozy and not just as a way to keep away the mosquitos. you are most welcome to stay for as long as you like. i adore you and everything pumpkin flavored.

i like you so much more than this book im trying to read,

allie

dear fantasy football team that's not really mine,

im so stinking proud of you. 3-0. seriously, i feel like a mother whose child just learned to walk or won a noble peace prize. i only fear that now i am forever hooked and my sunday's will now revolve around constant score checking.

i knew this would happen, and thus why i never did fantasy sports before,

allie

dear mumford and sons,

thank you for creating such pretty music for me to listen to while i try and read this stupid, freaking book. you are my sanity.

much love,

allie

ps avett bros and ben howard, you are also rock stars and i love you the mostest too.

dear sytycd tour,

you were absolutely FANTASTIC. minus the part where everyone kept talking a lot. that was lame, i like the dancing, that's why i bought the ticket, to watch dancers dance. so, just dont quit your day jobs, bc while you're over-rehearsed lines were at times funny, the amount of times you said "how lucky you were" and "how much this all meant to you" made me want to gag. you're not actors and so therefore your acting comes off fake.

no worries, i'll still watch every moment of next season,

allie

allie lately

1. i think, once i finish my current bottles of shampoo and conditioner, that i'm going to stop using them altogether and try this instead.

2. #3 should start composting asap. there's just no excuse when we can make one for just 35 bucks!

3. the slso and the fox both have last minute student tix offers. i'll be taking FULL advantage of this now.

4. you really should go vote for GAD on the pepsi refresh project. only 12ish days left!

5. the last 2 weeks jeopardy have been student weeks. nothing like a bunch of HS and college kids to make me feel smart.

6. i just bought these little gems. and i could NOT be more excited to get them in the mail.

wedding belles

It was a weekend of weddings with former president Bill Clinton’s daughter Chelsea marrying her long term beau, Marc Mezvinsky AND Alicia Keys and producer boyfriend, Swizz Beatz, eloped in the Mediterranean.

but, i was most excited about the non-real life wedding.

so, happy wedding day to lisa simpson to Hugh Parkfield, as predicted in a 1995 episode of "The Simpsons"

gosh i miss the 90s.

earmuffs please

sometimes ignorance is bliss. sometimes its not. sometimes you need to put the earmuffs on and excuse yourself from unnecessary pain. sometimes you need to jump right into crap and deal with it. there is indeed, a time for everything.

this summer is, in some facets of life, needing to be an "ignorance is bliss" sort of summer.

dont worry, i'll pull my head out of sand eventually. just not for the next 2 months.

letters to inanimate objects

dear local mexican food,

you were so cheap and so stinkin delicious. i miss you everyday. chipotle might be delicious, but it just doesn't compare to you.

i miss you, allie

my beloved cardinals,

this has just got to stop. seriously? get it together post-all star break or we will have more heated arguments in the coming months. seriously? i mean we're a game and a half back from the REDS? seriously? ugh, i'm so sad. and can we please get some run support for our starting pitchers? seriously!

this is getting ridiculous, allie

dear bed,

you rock. i have missed you oh so much lately. sleeping in you is pure magic. sorry i've been running away from you so much lately, i promise to really rekindle our relationship this fall. blame the youth group kids though, they keep stealing me away from you.

i will love you forever, allie

dear shelf organizer thingy i bought at target,

you were a beast to put together but you have brought serious organization to my room and i could not be more pleased. while your directions were confusing at several points and i was pretty sure i screwed up your assembly beyond repair, you came through for me in the end and allowed me to graciously fix my mistakes.

please last for a long time, allie

dear 4th of july,

you might be my favorite holiday EVER. so excited to celebrate you on sunday! thanks for fireworks, delicious bbqs, and allowing me to wear a tacky red-white-blue outfit with no shame.

i heart america, allie

ps it also means its almost brianna's first birthday! eeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

dear saint louis,

um your weather lately has been AMAZING! holy cow, i thought i died and went to heaven this past week. thanks for the serious lack in humidity and for gorgeous blue skies.

feel free to stay exactly like this forever, allie

solid food is for grownups

i think i'm finally starting to feel like a grown up. i'm starting to see the abundance of gray in my choices, realizing that those choices often lead to no-win situations, and that i actually have to be responsible. i can't just do what i want anymore, b/c apparently my actions have real consequences that affect other people. ugh.....independence is not all its cracked up to be.

case in point: my little brother leaves for boot camp in two days. i am a bag a mixed emotions, to say the least.

of course i am so proud of him. he's willing to sacrifice that which i would never dare to even consider. he sees a need and is willing to die so that i can go on living my safe and secure life. he wants to be apart of something bigger than himself, to serve. he's doing something only 1% of all people will ever do - serve their country. he's about to go through 14 weeks of pure HELL in the middle of georgia in the middle of the summer. ewwwwww.

i'm also incredibly scared. i don't want him to get shipped off to iraq. i dont want him to die. i dont want him to come home with ptsd and loose the man that i know to be so caring and genuine and tender. we've been through some of the most difficult times of our lives together, and we survived together. we leaned on each other. we understood each other when no one else could. and i don't want to loose the part of him that can go to those deep and hard places with me. i dont want to loose the only other person who gets that part of me.

i am excited. this is something he's wanted to do since he was in elementary school. he's always had this desire to serve his country in him. he's doing something he finds great value and honor in. he's living a dream. he's living out some of the most glorious parts of what make him an image bearer. and how can i not be excited that he's imaging the lord, that he's fighting for the least of these, that he's willing to die so that others might live?

i'm burdened. i want to trust the lord. i want to believe that even if he comes home screwed up or doesn't come home at all, that whether the lord gives or takes away, that i will still praise Him. i want to believe that god is good no matter what the circumstance, no matter how much it hurts, no matter what the cost. oh but how little faith i have. last night i wanted to bargain with jesus, i realized that was stupid so i went on to tell god how absolutely pissed i'd be if this didn't turn out the way i wanted. i told him i wasn't sure i'd survive if he didn't come home. oh man, i let god have it . and i cried b/c that seemed like the only reasonable response to all the ambivalence i was feeling inside.

and so i turned to good 'ole cs lewis. this is from a grief observed:

"The more we believe that God hurts only to heal, the less we can believe that there is any use in begging for tenderness. A cruel man night be bribed-might grow tired of this vile sport-might have a temporary fit of mercy, as alcoholics have fits of sobriety. But suppose that what you are up against is a surgeon whose intentions are wholly good. The kinds and more conscientious he is, the more inexorably he will go on cutting. If he yielded to your entreaties, if he stopped before the operation was complete, all the pain up to that point would have been useless. But is it credible that such extremities of torture should be necessary for us? Well, take your choice. The tortures occur. If they are unnecessary, then there is no God or a bad one. If there is a good God, then these tortures are necessary. For no even moderately good Being could possibly inflict or permit them if they weren't? Either way, we're for it. What do people man when they say, "I am not afraid of God because I know He is good"? Have they never even been to a dentist?"

and just so you know, im still excited/proud/scared out of my mind/burdened for my brother. and i probably will be until the day when he gets discharged and is home for good. (and even then, there are not guarantees. who is to say he couldn't die in a car crash etc right here at home?) but it does remind me of this: to go to god. even when i dont want to b/c im too mad or too scared or too sad. even when my heart believes that He is not good. even when i don't believe He will enact real change. even when my soul is crushed. go to Him. go to the one who is the I AM. the one who promises to deliver his people. the one who promises to wipe away every tear. the one who is coming back.

and this is why being an adult is so difficult. b/c i actually have to go to god. i know the right answers now, i have no excuse. i can't just wallow in my self pity. i have to actually eat solid food - i actually have to take the next step, i actually have to trust Him more. and while that all sounds great and dandy, and really is something i want, man oh man, is it difficult. it'd be so much easier if god just left me stagnant b/c this whole transforming grace thing is painful.

so in the end, i'm just glad this whole thing isn't up to me. he puts the desire to follow Him more and more into my heart in the first place. He really will be the one who causes me to turn from the baby food mush i've been so satisfied with and turn me towards real grown-up food.

as if the tampon jokes weren't enough...

these are hilarious. i dont care who you are.

new cell phone = iPad + Skype + retro headset

and here is how to print from your iPad.

say-ko

i want these:

real bad.

go here to buy some for yourself. a girl, liz, i knew in college started the business after spending some time in Uganda herself.

and, if you know me, you know there's a HUGE part of my heat in Uganda and these sandals help support some pretty cool Ugandan woman get a college education!

from the website:

Sseko Designs is a not-just-for-profit enterprise that recognizes the power of business and responsible consumerism to support sustainable economic development, which in turn affects a country's educational, justice, and health care systems. The goal of Sseko Designs is two-fold: provide university tuition for these promising young women through a sustainable monthly income, while also contributing to the overall economic development of Uganda.

amen to that.

i want a car with an ipod cord adapter thingy

have you ever been listening to the radio in your car, then go deep into thought (for me this usually involves coming up with ways to look professional at work at yet still manage to wear comfy clothes) and then suddenly realize you're listening to creed/lifehouse/daughtry. ewwwww!!!! yeah, that happened to me at least three times today. i threw up in my mouth a little each time.

ps if im driving in your car with you and a song by one of the before-mentioned artists comes on and you do NOT immediately change the station, i'm judging you, fyi.

henri matisssssssssssssssssssssssse

so when marta and i were in chicago we went and visited 2 places i was excited about. the first was the bean in millennium park and the other was the Art Institute of Chicago - which had the most legit/enjoyable collection of modern art (which does not include that impressive of a list so im sure its not the greatest). anyways, they were in the midst of a special collection of henri matisse, so of course, we went.

now there are a few things you should know:

1. the exhibit mainly focused on his work right before, during and right after WW1 - so the sample size did not cover all of his work by any stretch of the imagination
2. i dont know crap about good art
3. they showed basically everything the dude did during this WW1 time - even the stuff he did as a retreat after he would get done with really difficult (and beautiful and famous) paintings/sculptures.

and here's what you should know about matisse, in my pov

1. home boy likes to draw his still life nudes in the MOST sexual positions ever. i mean seriously, i realize he was painting in france and thats what all the cool kids do, but i seriously averted my eyes several times b/c i was convinced my purity was at stake....kinda
2. henri was kinda like picasso, but not really
3. i don't know if this is true of most artists, but matisse seriously used a butt load of mediums to work with. i was impressed with his skills in all of them.
4. this is except for his etchings and drawings which i'm pretty sure were the examples (in my hdfs "children" book that i had for child development) that showcased what a typical 12 year old was capable of creating.

but don't get me wrong, the dude has talent and he did things that weren't really being done at the time.

so, don't hate when i say:

true or false: i'm pretty sure i could do this, and maybe even better than henri himself......

survey says: TRUE

wake up call

do you ever have those moments in life where the lord totally kicks your butt? he pulls back the curtain he's allowed you to put up that's covering up all the ways you are currently trading those"uglier" sins for the ones that are easier to hide. you know, those moments where you see your total and utter depravity. those moments where you can't use the excuses that you've come up with that basically domesticate jesus until he looks just like you. those moments where you're naked and ashamed in eden.

those are some ugly moments.

every so often jesus lets me have it. he lets me see all of it. all of its grossness, all of the hurt is causes, all of the shame it comes from, all of the pitiful attempts i make at excusing it away, ALL of the ruin.

this used to happen to me before i became a christian. and i would run. i would turn off my brain or i'd convince myself i'd been "found out" and that tomorrow at school i'd better find some new friends. (side note: this was an upside to moving all the time - i never had to go the distance in any relationship b/c it always came to an end before it ever got too hard) i literally could not handle it so as soon as i could feel myself experiencing all this shame and guilt i'd come up with a way i could fix it, all by myself.

well last a few nights, when marta and i were in chicago visiting mi hermana, mary, good ole jesus literally woke me up. at around 3:45 in the morning. and kept me awake. for the next hour. and let me just tell you, he let me have it. but in the most beautiful way, i promise. b/c yes, i get it now, in so many ways i didn't when i was 16 and all paranoid and super insecure.

so thanks jesus for the reminder that your grace really is amazing b/c when that curtain gets pulled back, man oh man, i aint got nothing but grace to claim.

labri 2010

so i promise to write about what i learned this weekend at some point this weekend. i currently have no plans (how does that happen?) so i should have plenty of time to reflect. in the mean time, labri FINALLY has a website of FREE mp3s to download. OMG. my life is worth living once again.

seriously, check it out. your life will be forever changed.

i need to get back to neverland. stat.

so tony came over today and fixed our remote. yay! AND bible study was cancelled. so in an effort to avoid cleaning my room and packing for labri, i thought id catch myself up on all the TV i've been missing for the last two weeks. happy happy joy joy, right? WRONG!

i tried watching the bachelor - and had to turn it off after 3 minutes. i literally could not handle the pettiness, fakeness and hearing jake say "this journey...." one more time. this didn't surprise me though. i've literally tried 4 or 5 times to like the bachelor this season, i have after all been a faithful watcher since deanna dumped jason for jesse and then jason dumped melissa for molly and jillian but ended up with molly and then jillian somehow managed to end up with ed. and yes, i know, the relationship web of this show is ooc. anyways, this season i've tried. i mean really, i have. but every time i would turn it on i would just have to turn it off. and i told myself it would get better as more girls got eliminated, but it simply has not. my skin still crawled as i watched the first 5 minutes of the hometown date show.

ok. so i was coming to grips with the fact that i probably am going to have to put my bachelor days behind me. so i turn to an old trusted friend. PROJECT RUNWAY. yes. what could be caddy and unappealing about making pretty dresses? hahahaha. oh my ignorance. oh course, the episode is a partner challenge and the rudeness and back stabbing is out in full force. skin crawling commences again.

ok. then i decide to watch something on real tv....bc obviously dvr is failing, epically. good ole american idol is on. now ive never watched this show, ever. well maybe like twice, but i was in high school and i didnt know any better. again, 3 minutes in and i have to turn it off. and not bc simon is that mean or bc ellen isnt that funny but just from the PURE awkwardness of everyone. i just can't handle it. skin crawlingly awful. ughhhh, i shutter just thinking about it.

so now im half way through packing for labri and doing a few loads of much needed laundry. and i realize that i can no longer watch reality tv. can i even still be an effective KREW leader? or, am i really turning into "one of those people who thinks they are above trashy pop culture?" or, is the entertainment industry really that bad?

so ive come up with 3 solutions.

1. i need to start watching season 1 of LOST asap. some thoughtful story lines injected into my tv diet should be helpful.
2. i can always rely on the west wing. why do i ever even stray?
3. puzzles with sharon. a completely mindless and rewarding activity that provides future wall hangings for girl intern house.

i realize these are all completely nerdy solutions to my realization that reality tv and i are no longer in a relationship, but apparently i have no other choice.

ps sorry kate. i know this hurts your feelings.

cold feet

so earlier i was emptying our brand spankin new dishwasher. i get to the bottom rack and start in on the pots and pans. i go to grab for marta's red skillet and then promptly drop it on my right big toe. ouch. it started bruising immediately.

now i'm sitting on the couch working on some school stuff and it occurs to me: i should really put some ice on my toe if i want to walk on it tomorrow. i mean seriously there is already a large bump. a few moments later i think: man, i should really put on some socks, b/c my feet are freezing.

and then it occurs to me. allie, just use your toes as ice. BRILLIANT.

this is why i have a blog....to keep track of all my random thoughts

so lately i've been thinking....

1. when your love language is quality time it takes a whole LOT of effort to love all the people you want to love in your life. well at least to do it well. i wonder if i'll ever get better at managing my time in such a way that allows me to love all the people i want to love well and still have a job, pay my bills, and get my oil changed. too bad my love language isn't gift giving, that seems so much more time-effective.
2. winter break makes me want summer break real bad. actually, winter in general makes me want summer real bad. regardless of whether or not im in school/at work.
3. vacations where you do absolutely nothing and are with a good friend are ideal. seriously, 3 days on the beach with sharon was so needed. last minute trips are also awesome. and being in charge of your own schedule is quite nice.
4. making big life decisions is scary. obviously. deciphering the lords will is also difficult. especially when curve balls get thrown in. are you trying to change my mind here lord or am i supposed to learn that just because something outside of my control changes doesn't mean i came to the wrong conclusion the first time? when no obviously evil seems to come from either decision - which do you choose, especially when the future seems so unpredictable.
5. grading is by far my least favorite part of teaching. i really thought i'd enjoy it more. FALSE. similarly, going back to school to get my masters and writing papers all the time is also unappealing. basically, i just want to be able to interact with people all day and have a secretary keep track of all the details and paperwork. is that so wrong?
6. gods timing really is quite funny. i think i can count at least 8 times in just the last 5 days where i have literally laughed out loud at the way the lord has answered prayers of mine in his own time. and how dissatisfied i was before with him b/c i felt like he wasn't being good to me. oh how silly i can be. yes lord, your timing is good and perfect. point made.
7. i can already tell these next two months are just going to fly by. then its spring break/easter. and thats practically summer. i think i'll be 83 before i feel like my life slows down again.
8. i get so much more accomplished when music is playing. but it has to be headphones. not on my computer speakers. does this mean i have add?
9. i wish it was socially acceptable to cuddle up with a blanket in coffee shops. i almost did it today, but decided against it.
10. i like when god shows me how he has tangibly grown me. it makes me want to keep going. keep pursuing all the hard emotions and hurts - to find healing and fighting for restoration. he really is sweet to do this for me. i need proof - so my head keeps convincing my heart to keep going.

ok thats 10 for 2010. and no, i do not make new years resolutions. this is about as close that you'll get to that from me.