wake up call

do you ever have those moments in life where the lord totally kicks your butt? he pulls back the curtain he's allowed you to put up that's covering up all the ways you are currently trading those"uglier" sins for the ones that are easier to hide. you know, those moments where you see your total and utter depravity. those moments where you can't use the excuses that you've come up with that basically domesticate jesus until he looks just like you. those moments where you're naked and ashamed in eden.

those are some ugly moments.

every so often jesus lets me have it. he lets me see all of it. all of its grossness, all of the hurt is causes, all of the shame it comes from, all of the pitiful attempts i make at excusing it away, ALL of the ruin.

this used to happen to me before i became a christian. and i would run. i would turn off my brain or i'd convince myself i'd been "found out" and that tomorrow at school i'd better find some new friends. (side note: this was an upside to moving all the time - i never had to go the distance in any relationship b/c it always came to an end before it ever got too hard) i literally could not handle it so as soon as i could feel myself experiencing all this shame and guilt i'd come up with a way i could fix it, all by myself.

well last a few nights, when marta and i were in chicago visiting mi hermana, mary, good ole jesus literally woke me up. at around 3:45 in the morning. and kept me awake. for the next hour. and let me just tell you, he let me have it. but in the most beautiful way, i promise. b/c yes, i get it now, in so many ways i didn't when i was 16 and all paranoid and super insecure.

so thanks jesus for the reminder that your grace really is amazing b/c when that curtain gets pulled back, man oh man, i aint got nothing but grace to claim.